Better Living Through Alchemy Photograph by Jim Williams

Better Living Through Alchemy

by Jim Williams

Title

Better Living Through Alchemy

Artist

Jim Williams

Medium

Photograph - Short Story And Found Picture

Description

Hey, everybodyyyy! It's me, your favorite Myassa Lifestyle Correspondent, Emanuella H. Kruikin-Feist and I've been through some heavy changes! So. I don't report for Faux News any more! I'm an independent jobber now! Yeah, they fired me. I did what Faux News wanted me to do and interviewed staff and students at the Sistah Fahtah Stahtah Chahtah School for children with southern accents. I even got to sit in on the 10th grade Historical Southern Pride class. When my Education Lifestyle Report hit the press, so to speak, Faux News received complaints from a lot of angry people with southern accents. If I understand right, they seemed to be upset about ''misinterpretations'' and cultural defamation in the report. Well, duuuh! I'm not southern! And I DID ask for a translator! They were quoting the Bible in Historical Southern Pride class and everything! And I really really believed I was present at a pederasts' conference!

So. Apparently the editor/station manager also got a lot of calls he didn't understand because he isn't southern either. They didn't like the liberal Yankee press insinuating that their deeply held beliefs and historic family relationship traditions were not the noblest of genteel southern practices. They didn't like having their traditions all twisted up by the ''Yankee liberal PC mind patrol''. It is ''traditional and customary'' in north Florida for 50 year old men to marry 10th grade female relatives.

So. Even though the editor/station manager disagreed with the callers' complaints, he fired me hoping that they would stop calling him. And he pulled the report. FAUX NEWS has the copyright and won't let me publish it independently.

So. Instead, here's the MYASSA NATURAL FOODS LIFESTYLE REPORT.

Are you tired of the new cuisine? Do artisan foods seem mildly insanely overpriced to you? Wouldn't you like to know what the names on menus mean again? And maybe even be able to pronounce them? Do you remember when food came from a can or box with indecipherable ingredients and we loved it? As our diets supposedly became healthier, they definitely got blander and more flavorless. What went wrong with mom's home cooking? Comfort foods DO NOT include edamame, lentils, soy products, whole grain, gluten free, fresh herbs, ripe fruits and vegetables, organics, artisan or small batch locally grown anything!

After extensive personal research we know the answer to what's missing and have one word for you: ADDITIVES. New cuisine just doesn't have the necessary additives to make it worth eating. But that's all about to change!

WELCOME TO THE
NO FOODS MARKET!

Have you had doubts about the ''healthy'' alternatives in the natural foods stores? Doesn't organically grown mean that instead of growing our food with sterile and pure manufactured fertilizers, natural urine and excrement containing, well, excrement and urine, are dumped on the food? Our response is to carry the finest in chemical derivatives.

UNNATURAL INGREDIENTS
Sodium aluminum phosphate
Monocalcium phosphate
Calcium carbonate
Sorbic acid
Calcium disodium EDTA
Mono and diglycerides
Potassium sorbate
Sodium alginate
Fumaric acid
BHA
Yellow 5, 6
Adipic acid
Ascorbic acid
Riboflavin
Tocopherol
Sodium acid pyrophospate
Folic acid
Thiamine mononitrate
Monosodium glutemate
And many, many more!

Have you been invited to a hot new date's house for an intimate dinner only to discover that he or she is a vegetarian or, even worse, a vegan? It would be a real insult to reject their food, and therefore other hospitality they had in mind for the evening. Always keep an emergency supply of non-vegan and non-vegetarian ingredients with you to clandestinely add to your dinner. And don't worry about them going bad. They'll last longer than Tutankhamen.

Have you wondered about the intelligence of paying $5-$8 for a $1.50 cup of coffee because somebody else put the sweetener and putative dairy products in it for you? Fresh ground coffee's flavor is missing something compared to commercial grind and we know what it is: roach droppings, just one of the fine natural ingredients in our stock.

NATURAL INGREDIENTS
Crushed insect particles (many species)
Feces (many species, mostly insects, some mammals)
Gluten from GMO crops
Body secretions (various, some human)
Freeze dried meat flakes from the finest lab grown rats
High fructose corn syrup
Past use date foods of all sorts
Dehydrated used coffee grounds
Plus a whole lot more!

It used to be said that after a good Chinese meal, you were hungry an hour later. After dinner at a vegan restaurant you never stop being hungry. And the flavor! What flavor?

ASSORTED GROCERIES
Insecticide for killing bugs in organic produce
Powdered lead
Mixed recycled pharmaceutical flakes
Asbestos utensils & storage containers
Dirt
Used hydroponic fluid sports drinks in plastic bottles. (No recycling needed)
Stones (various sizes)
Food and nutrition free snacks
Metal filings
Glass shards
Rubber chicken nuggets

THESE ARE ONLY A SMALL PART OF OUR INVENTORY!
Call for our 642 page quarterly abridged* non-recyclable catalog! Or go to our website, www.NOFOODSMARKET.com.

Made using vats which process nuts, shellfish, lactose, wheat, and soy. Also: insecticide, herbicide, fungicide, rodent control, veterinary drugs, birth control pills, virility drugs, tranquilizers, antidepressants, fertilizers, napalm, and more.

Our simple non-childproofed containers use no inconvenient safety seals. Manufactured with pride by non-union exploited child prison labor.

*We are advised by our legal associates to not document certain products in our inventory.

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