This image is not being displayed because the Jim Williams - Website safe filter is turned ON.

If you want to display this image, you can:

shut off the safe filter and allow all content

view this image only

Doomsday Warning

by Jim Williams

Title

Doomsday Warning

Artist

Jim Williams

Medium

Photograph - Short Story

Description

PMS PLEDGE DRIVE

As YOUR public representative, it is again time for The Mayor's increasingly-more-frequent annual pledge drive. If you live in Myassa, FL, and are not a member of PMS (Public Mayor System), you are missing out on all the services provided by The Right Honorable Rantin N. Raven-Faux VI's Mayorality. SHAME ON YOU!

"Hi! And welcome to the Public Mayor System! This is The Right Reverend Artois Heine from the Myassa First Church of Beer Almighty and PMS secretary Lyda Dz...Dz.... Say hello, Lyda."

Lyda: "Hello everybody. This is Lyda Dzgoldynzscheyzes and I'm here today representing the Accounts Receivable Division of The Mayor's Department of Guilt Tripping and Extortion. Your times are up, suckas! Pay up or pay the consequences you deadbeats! NOBODY likes a freeloader. If you aren't paying your way with The Mayor, think about this: How would you like to have your plumbing mysteriously plugged up by an accidental overload of asphalt shoved up your sewer or septic tank or having your garbage pickup 'accidentally' forgotten for a few months or years? Those are only two of the wonderful public services provided through PMS. If your house trailer suddenly caught fire when you weren't home, you'd really miss the Myassa Volunteer Fire Fighters, wouldn't you? I know that I would. Ladies and gentlemen, if you don't contribute, just imagine what your life would be like without PMS.

"Where would you get the information needed to get through your day if The Mayor didn't tell you what to think? And he doesn't take sides in your need to know. He'll give you both sides of the controversies in today's public political scene: His own and that of The Official Monster Raving Loony Party of the United States of A Merka."

Revered Heine: "That's right, Lyda. If we suddenly lost PMS because of your freeloading, think of what respect and good will you will lose when your neighbors and family find out. Your teen aged daughter would begin ignoring you, rolling her eyes and snorting while you attempt to give her the benefits of your experience while she texts and sexts. Think how your basement geek son will react when your electricity blacks out, 'accidentally' shutting off his only societal access because he can't load his Facebook page, Twitter, MMORPG or Youtube channel? (Whatever that means). What if your wife suddenly found that her beautician's schedule was filled until 2043? Remember, The Right Honorable Spouse is the proud owner of Your Face, Myassa Multisex Beauty Salon, and she also depends upon the largess of your generous undeclared contributions. For the next two hours she generously pledges to match any contributions up to $5000 with money from overcharging her customers."

Lyda: "There are a lot of ways to encourage and facilitate contributions of large amounts to PMS: Visa, BankAmericard, Discover, A Merkin Express, direct deposit; in unmarked envelopes; anonymous cash donations slipped into The Mayor's coat pockets; under the counter tips for The Right Honorable Spouse at Your Face, Myassa; ransoming your children using after school detention without access to boy's or girl's room facilities; locking and keeping you in a room with a TV showing only Enema Channel programming (you DO NOT want to see the infomercials showing from 3 am until someone has a normal bowel movement); placing you in the animal shelter with very large overly friendly slobbering dogs and cats which treat you with disdain and view you as their scratching post; we'll do anything to encourage your support of PMS."

Rev: "I know I'd miss Car Stalk with Sly and Spy at Myassa Liquors Bar & Grill every Saturday. They have excellent advise on how to stake out a 'loved one'. They really crack me up as they share tips about personal surveillance."

Lyda: "I watch 'This American Lie' behind the see through spy mirrors in all the Myassa County Jail / Holiday Inn. I love those clumsy bald-faced 'exaggerators and enhancers' and the delightful monosyllabic responses they give to the polygraph operator's professionally uninformed queries."

Rev: "I don't want to miss a second of these programs and we're certain you don't neither. So call our special donation phone bank where today's operators are the Sultry Sphinxterettes of Myassa, our very own roller girls team. They have benefited greatly from your generous donations too, what with the renovated flat track in The Santorum Ballroom. They also shop at the Santorum's Victoria's Secret gift shop for their team uniforms because of the many styles of G Strings and tassels available in team colors."

Lyda: "Don't let this opportunity pass you by. I'm challenging my entire Dzgoldynzscheyzes family to donate generously to assure that I still have a job next week. Remember who brought you all over from Poland and in whose home all 42 of you are hiding from those Polish prosecutors and dig deep into that room full of Zlotys if you don't want to be turned over to Immigration."

Rev: "Listen to those phones ring after your personal threats to your family! I hope to see lots of those slutties you were talking about. Do you think you could get some of them to confess their activities in my private chambers?"

Lyda: "You mean the secret windowless sound proofed room in your church basement? The one with the leg shackles?"

Rev: "WELL! It looks like time for us to leave, Lyda."

Lyda: "I can't leave now. I work here, Artois. I have a real job."

Rev: "Oh. Uhh. Yeah, see ya!"

(Door slams. Sounds of pointy Italian shoes running down the hall. Door slams.)

Lyda: "Now we return you to your regularly scheduled Mayor. Bye for now."

For further adventures in Myassa:
http://fineartamerica.com/profiles/wacks-museum.html?tab=artworkgalleries&artworkgalleryid=536130