Excavations at Our Lady etc Part the First Photograph by Jim Williams

Excavations at Our Lady etc Part the First

by Jim Williams

Title

Excavations at Our Lady etc Part the First

Artist

Jim Williams

Medium

Photograph - Short Story

Description

We told y'all about the students of Our Lady of Perpetual Sacred Collateral Damage Girls School findin the 11th Commandment on a field trip to Egypt. But there was a real miracle here at home too.

While the girls were gone, Our Lady etc, etc, decided to upgrade the portable classroom the school is housed in. They had Wrecked 'Em Auto Recyclin and Body Shop come and haul it back to the yard for a new white paint job and to have some of the holes patched and dents hammered out.

The School of Archaeology from the College of Recreation, Archaeology, Anthropology, Computer and Kinesthesiological Sciences (C.R.A.A.C.K.S) of Myassa was lookin for some place to practice diggin things up, so in a fit a educational condescension preacher man Bishop Father Gluteus Maximus Bigga-Butz, AKA Max Daddy (won't somebody tell me what Daddy Max Daddy means?), AKA Glutes gave his permission to let em excavate the ground where the portable stood. Pullin the portable away loosed a buncha raccoons, possums, skunks and armadillos that were livin there. It was a giant multi-species litter box under there.

Glutes took pity on em and sent a buncha nuns over to clean all the animal droppins up. I never heard nuns talk like that before. But every comment was ended by "Bless his heart!!" so I guess it was OK. At least I think it was "Bless his heart". It was kinda hard to hear exactly what they were sayin cause of the screamin. Could it a been worse if Glutes hadn't come out of his suite above the chapel an put all of em under a vow of silence. Or else. I bet there was a whole lotta bead countin that night.

Once the nuns finished up, the students started up. Their teacher, Professor "Tushy" Cheekes (a member a the Myassa Cheekes family) didn't mess around like all those wimpy archaeologists on PBS and the Natural Jigglegraphic Channel who come in with little tiny brushes an toothpicks and spend half a their lives (an a lotta grants of our tax money) excavatin the same square foot a soil. Nice work if you can get it. Also if you wanta look over the shoulders of a whole buncha 20 year old girl interns whose skimpy shirts are so sweaty that it looks like a dirty wet tee shirt contest. No, sir, that's not what Prof Cheekes does. He soaked all the dirt with garden hoses until it reached the right consistency. Then he an the girls mud rassled. There's nothin more academically gratifyin than squeelin mud rasslin girls rippin each other's clothes off. Bigga-Butz came down outa his suite ready to bust a buncha nuns for breakin the vow of silence again, but once he saw what was happenin he took off his giant fuzzy guinea pig suit and jumped right in. See, religion and science do mix.

Whilst they were rollin around in the mud, they began to find things - things that were old. Things that were kinda strange. A lotta stuff had slipped through the wide cracks in the portable floor through the seven or eight decades since the portable was last cleaned up. There was a lotta loose change, pencils, pens, school books, Latin bibles, what looked like petrified fish sticks (the Bad Dad tried one and confirmed it), tampons (he tried one a those too), some big ol used-to-be white cotton girls undies and bras (the bishop tried some on and they fit im) and the final restin place for hundreds of used condoms. Glutes said he was gonna take em to the church laundry an have em cleaned up an re-rolled to be sold at the next covered dish dinner.

After everyone was exhausted, Glutes invited all the girls to come to his suite to shower. A lot of em did, too. Maxxie Dad showed me the videos. They cleaned up real nice. He sent their clothes to the laundry for the 48 hour special cleaning and told the cleaners there was no hurry. But that was OK. He had a whole lotta fuzzy animal suits that he loaned em. The next day they all looked really odd excavatin in bunny suits, bear suits and Miss Piggy suits He musta made a buncha converts cause most of em went out and bought their own fuzzy animal suits to wear to Mass.

After days a excavatin an rasslin they come back one morning and there was a giant sink hole opened up in the mud pit. (See photo.) In it they found some skeletons. After DNA testin, it was determined that the bones belonged to Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart, Judge Crater an Ambrose Bierce. But that wasn't all.

(to be continued in Part the Second) ...

See the ongoing story in my Short Story gallery:
http://fineartamerica.com/profiles/wacks-museum.html?tab=artworkgalleries&artworkgalleryid=536130

... More can be found on The Mayor's Facebook page. ... https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Right-Honorable-Rantin-N-Raven-Faux-VI-The-Mayor-of-Myassa/192139240851353