Title
In Pursuit Of Hirsute
Artist
Jim Williams
Medium
Photograph - Short Story
Description
The Mayor has noticed recently that all other elected officials have neither beards, mustaches, sideburns, mutton chops, Fu Manchus, nor single eyebrows. Nor hairy warts on their noses, nor hair filled ears and nostrils.
But if an examination of our politicians of the past is made, when men were men and it was okay to be a lumberjack, men sprouted hair from every pore. Their knuckles and feet were hairy and so was everything in between. And women must have loved it or there wouldn't be anybody here at all. Come to think of it, women used to be hairier too. Their legs were hairy, their arms were hairy, their underarms were hairy and so were their, um, you know, their underlegs.
Today, everyone is slick as a melon except occasionally on top of their heads. What happened to the country we thought we knew? This isn't the country we married!
But The Mayor intends to change that by including a hirsute plank in his upcoming goober-natorial race against Uber Goober-nerd Rank the Skank "Screwball" Cueball, who is so unhealthily skinny and skint hairless on his head that he looks, not as if he had a four hour erection so much as he looks like he IS an erection. All the better to screw us with, eh, grandma?
It's time for a change! WE DEMAND HAIR! Oh, yes, there are still some few citizens who want to vote for the "best qualified" candidate, but they always wind up voting for some wing-ding with NO qualifications because that's all the "third parties" have to offer: an ignominious, colorless, glassy-eyed, clean shaven champion of things nobody else cares about. Incognito candidates! But we can change that! We can offer the opportunity to throw our vote away CONSPICUOUSLY! And we can do it with HAIR! It is our god-forsaken right to have candidates WITH HAIR! DOWN to THERE! And UP to THERE TOO!
So everybody jump aboard the Hairy Plank! Talk that hairy plank! Walk that hairy plank!
PUT ON YOUR HIRSUTE SUIT!
WEAR YOUR HAIR!
IF YOU BELIEVE, GET A WEAVE!
IT'S NOT WEIRD TO GROW A BEARD!
MAKE A SPLASH AND WEAR A STACHE!
CARE BEAR! GROW HAIR THERE!
LADIES, KEEP YOUR MERKIN JERKIN'!!
HAIRY LEGS, NOT FLESHY PEGS!
DOWN WITH DOWN!
SAY IT LOUD: "I'M HAIRY AND PROUD!"
GO TO JAIL FOR A PONY TAIL!
THE FU, THE MANCHU, THE FLOCCULENT!
BLOW YOUR HORN! BE UNSHORN!
WAVE YOUR HAIRY FLAG AND GROW SOME SHAG!
DO THE WOOLY BULLY. WOOLY BULLY!
DON'T BE DETERRED IF YOU ARE FURRED!
ANY KISS'LL LOVE YOUR BRISTLE!
CHEST HAIR LIKE A BEAR, NEVER BARE!
BE A DEVOTEE OF A GOATEE!
BE THE BRAVE'UN, GO UNSHAVEN!
HAVE A HAPPY NAPPY!
DON'T BE BILIOUS! BE PILEOUS!
NO FOOLIN', GET WOOLEN!
BLACK, BLOND OR BROWN! LET YOUR HAIR HANG DOWN!
NOTHING TO RUB? JOIN THE HAIR CLUB!
STUBBLE GETS YOU DOUBLE!
DON'T BE BUFFED! GET A TUFT!
NEVER TOO LATE TO BE LANATE!
DON'T BE ABSURD, BEWHISKERED!
EYEBROWS LIKE A COW'S!
IT FLOWS OUT YOUR NOSE!
DON'T THWART THAT HAIRY WART!
VOTE FOR PONY TAILS, NOT HORSES' ASSES!
And finally:
PROUD TO BE A LOONY!
PROUD TO BE A MERKIN!
This political message has been approved by The Mayor. I, Y.A. Duck?, deny ANY involvement.
SIGNED: For The Mayor,
Y.A. Duck?
See the ongoing story in my Short Story gallery:
http://fineartamerica.com/profiles/wacks-museum.html?tab=artworkgalleries&artworkgalleryid=536130
Uploaded
March 28th, 2015
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Comments (45)
Hartmut Jager
" It is our god-forsaken right to have candidates WITH HAIR! " See what you have done with your wish ! ! ! The Twittering Twit Troll Trump has more 'flowing in the wind' weird hair than any President before him !
Lynda Lehmann
A "hirsute plank," ha! You need to do a book of these satirical sketches! Great creative work. Always original concepts...
Sora Neva
My old time favorite: Bluebeard gone soft! Like master, like pet...
Jim Williams replied:
Although I can't fit them in my beard, I recently got two boy kittens that are lighting up our home, much to the chagrin of our older girl cats. Thanks for the visit, Jana.
Karen Adams
Fantastic portrait!....vf
Jim Williams replied:
A perfect love between a man and his cat. It was a great find. Thanks, Karen..
Miroslava Jurcik
Lol, awesome find, and sure needed in your collection. The mayors wise choice , and love the cat :) !! l/f
Bunny Clarke
Fabulous work Jim. I love your write up. You forgot to mention that women sometimes had moustaches and occasionally a beard then too. Now, as you say, everyone is pretty slick. :o)
Jim Williams replied:
Thanks again, Bunny. Some years ago, there was a hairy women's convention here in Myassa at the Newly Renovated Santorum Ballroom. Check the schedule of events at the Santorum. Y'all will be frothing to see what's in the Santorum in Myassa.
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