Title
Redneck Olympics - Gater Triathalon
Artist
Jim Williams
Medium
Photograph - Found Photo And Short Story
Description
REDNECK OLYMPICS SPECIAL EVENT
GREATER GATER DAYS
Resource: WikiMyassa
According to The Right Honorable Rantin N. Raven-Faux VI, Mayor of Myassa, Florida and official historian for the Myassa Tribe of the Apalachee Creek nation, variations of these events were played centuries before the Europeans moved in and ruined the property values. This time of year their grain crops had grown up to their asses and were ripe for harvesting.
Despite being a primitive tribe, the Myassa were also stupid. The harvest of the devil's pitchfork, sandspur, and beggar lice crops consisted of the tribe members rolling around in the crop fields and picking them off to be pounded into grain. Over and over they rolled over and over until the fields were depleted. After the final picking of the harvest from their loin cloths and bare skins, the tribe were left with little to do but procreate loudly, especially when some didn't find all of the crops on their bodies. In order to redirect some of the loin driven activity, tribe leaders instituted the harvest of another species they were up to their asses in: the indigenous bootay, now known as the Myassa Terrible Tiger Gator. Survivors ate the bootay.
Over hundreds of years of experience chasing bootay, the tribe learned to pen, breed and raise them in preparation for the annual event. It was a lot easier than slogging around the Okefenokee swamp trying to find bootay with their feet. The pen is in a bayou fed by the Bubbling Brown Waters of Myassa Hole running from Myassa Crack down to Pratt Falls. According to The Mayor, their bootay breeding and raising practices are continued exclusively by the only surviving breeder, The Mayor. Because of the centuries of controlled breeding and feeding of the bootay, size and weight have been reduced from the pre-European era. They have gone from prehistoric 20 feet, 2,000 pounds monsters to slimmer and trimmer 6.1 meters and 907 kilograms for easier use in the modern Gater Triathalon.
Prior to the triathalon, the big bootay of Myassa are spread for greater access. The five person teams come from far and wide in the Myassa County metropolitan area and bring their own trained bootay baiting, tracking and herding animals: gerbils, which are also up to Myassa's asses this time of year.
THE GATER TRIATHALON
The Gater Triathalon takes place in three stages:
1. Gater Bater
Gater bater gerbils are thrown into the bayou to splash around and attract bootay to the teams' designated pens. (Don't fret over the tragic and terrifying deaths of a few hundred gater baters. We've got millions of them.) After the bootay gather, herding gerbils are introduced, jumping on the bootay's backs and herding three bootay to the team pens by squealing, jumping up and down, and nipping the bootay on their bums. (It is the duty of the herding gerbils to direct the alligators around the bayou so they won't overgraze the swamp, so the gators understand all that squealing, jumping, and nipping.) When a pen is filled, the team proceeds to the Gater Gitter.
2. Gater Gitter
Team members git a gater out of the pen by dangling gerbils on a fishing poles, shaking that bootay, and rassling it into submission. Once the bootay is shaken it must not be stirred. Then the team can progress to the Gater Inflater.
3. Gater Inflater:
As seen on the bottom of the historic illustration, teams insert hollow logs into their gators in order to inflate them like party balloons. Why inflate them into bootay balloons? To pop them, of course. As seen in the top of the picture, the bootay has been poked with sharp sticks and arrows. This step is called the gater deflater.
This celebration has been designated a Redneck Olympic Special Event, and like all celebrations of redneck high culture, it includes redneck cuisine. Using a traditional Myassa Tribe recipe, the freshly poled, popped, and presumed deceased bootay are breaded in a vat with a batter of eggs and newly harvested whole grain sandspur flour, then deep fat fried in lard made of fat rendered from Mongolian bacon (gerbils) in a gasoline tank truck. Then it is rolled in buttox (Indigenous Myass Wide-Bottomed Bison) butter, re-battered and deep fried again to produce Myassa's famous southern gerbil fried GATER ON A STICK! Mmmmmm. Smell that grease!
ENTERTAINMENT AND GAMES FOR EVERYONE!
Pin the Tail on a Real Live Gator!
Petting Zoo in the Bayou!
Real good old-time entertainment!
Alligator rides for all ages!
Photos with your head in the mouth of a presumably anesthetized bull bootay!
Live local music!
Heavy Metal tribute band: KISS MYASSA!
E-band: Bytes Myassa!
Tex-Mex country jazz band: Hot Licks of Myassa!
Female Irish band: Fartblossom!
Stroll the beautiful Myassa business district and experience their specialties!
Free fudge samples from Myassa Fudgepacker's Back Door Outlet!
Olympic Special from Myassa Colo-Rectal Instrument and Gerbil Rental! Rent one instrument and get 3 gerbils FREE for the weekend!
Food and fun for the whole family!
This event has been brought to you by The Official Mayor of the Redneck Olympics, The Mayor.
Certified Myassa Terrible Tiger Gators provided by The Mayor.
Gerbils provided by Myassa Colo-Rectal Instrument and Gerbil Rental Corp. Head gerbil wrangler, Rantin N. Raven-Faux VI.
____________________________________________________________
Follow Myassa, The Mayor, and the Redneck Olympics:
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March 3rd, 2016
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Comments (11)
Constance Lowery
this is absolutely the BEST artistic creation ever! tremendous photograph and out of this world, humorous to the max story! I am loving it. L/F/Tw/Pin
Alana Thrower
Another master piece Jim! Do you lay awake at night and think about this stuff? I didn't realize we had so many gerbils! The bands are great and the food is..... l/f/g+/t
Thomas Carroll
Jim, my best regards and appreciation to his honor the Mayor of Myassa. He is Great...and he promises to make Myassa Great again. I would love Myassa to be great again. The Mayor's un-can-ny ability to sink into the swamp lower than any other Myassa seems to be due to several factors. First, he is a habitual tree beater and extremely vocal about it. Second he comes...from a long line of blue blooded anthropoids, especially his great, great...mother-in-law.
Thomas Carroll
Jim, I remember reading about Myassa in anthropology class. The curriculum was based on studies of Myassa by a great anthropologist. Contrary to popular belief it wasn't Margaret Meade.The mayor will know. Please feel him out on this. In any case you can appreciate that I enjoyed studying Myassa. Thinking about Myassa increased my awareness of Myassa's contribution to devolution. This stimulates my creativity daily. It is an epiphany of sorts. Thomas
Jim Williams replied:
The Mayor thanks you for remembering his great, great, ..., aunt, great, great, ..., grandmother, also second cousin 5 times removed, and great, great, ..., mother-in-law. He says that she was not so much athropologist as anthropoid. She was an extremely hairy woman who lived in the swamp and was frequently mistaken for the Swamp Ape (Southern Sasquatch). Her swamp-dwelling descendants continue to be the primary source of modern Swamp Ape sightings. She would be mighty proud of their advancements in vocalizing and tree beating. The Mayor says also that you and Devo are right about everything.
Thomas Carroll
Jim, we have to love the Mayor of Myassa and the Myassa tribe. Their unique stupidity and loud procreation are a great contribution to humanity.
John Malone
Delightfully unique comedy! L/F
Jim Williams replied:
The Myassa were some of the earliest recorded new world practitioners of cultural slapstick. Thanks, John.
Miroslava Jurcik
I am sorry that the Europeans ruin the property values :) And in that interesting pic its really important that they all wearing hats, safety is definitely important for their gator triathalon, and when they inflate him and he pops, they cannot sustain injuries !! :) Great find and read ! l/f
Jim Williams replied:
Thank you very much, Miroslava. You're right, they all had to wear hard hats in case a bootay fell out of a tree onto their heads. The Mayor follows the oral history tradition from "1066 and All That: A Memorable History of England, comprising all the parts you can remember, including 103 Good Things, 5 Bad Kings and 2 Genuine Dates" (Written by W. C. Sellar and R. J. Yeatman and illustrated by John Reynolds): History is only what you remember.
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