Two Cups One Girl

by Jim Williams

Title

Two Cups One Girl

Artist

Jim Williams

Medium

Photograph - Photo And Culinary Review

Description

Hiiii, everybodyyyyyy! It’s Emanuella H. Kruikin-Feist! I’m back! So I’m sorry that I haven’t been around for a while, but I’ve been spending a lot of time with my kitten! He’s growing bigger every day and he’s so much fun! I’ve never had a kitten before. He’s never had a person before either, so we’re teaching each other. You could say that now we’re growing on each other now. Maybe one day I can write about Kitten Lifestyle. He’s sooo cool! But I’m not going to now, because today I’m doing Eating Out Myassa Lifestyle!

So, I’ve never been asked what’s a good place to eat in Myassa. I don’t know, but I’m going to write about it anyway. I didn’t know anything about the Redneck Olympics or Presidential debates or Founder’s Day before I did them and that didn’t stop me. But I already know how to eat. Let’s go!

EATING OUT MYASSA LIFESTYLE

So, since I live on the CRAACKS campus I decided to start with college food. The Sink Hole cafeteria (aka The Black Hole) is in the Raven-Faux Student Center, which is right next to the Nuthin Medical Center. Convenient. The Sink Hole cafeteria staff, most of whom are from the Myassa Tribe’s Raven Clan, try to cook from scratch and use as much locally grown food as they can. Some local harvested crops like…umm... I’m not certain and I’m afraid to ask, but the traditional indigenous tribe’s food crops include sand spurs, beggar lice, Devil’s pitchfork, and kudzu. But I’m afraid that I DO know where the meat comes from. The Gerbil Studies department keeps hundreds of experimental gerbils. Gerbils are prolific breeders, but because of limited space the number of experimental gerbils never increases. It’s said that they taste like chicken. The Black Hole has a chicken special every day. However, the most entertaining part of the meal is watching the art and drama students fight over the abandoned leftovers. Rating: Are you going to eat that?

I went to brunch at Myassa Hot Buns and Stuffins bakery and it got better. I didn’t have to watch the art and drama students picking over discarded food. They were out back dumpster diving. I bought the Hot Buns and Stuffins’ “famous” hot buns and stuffings with gerbil fried chicken dowsed in special brown sauce. Just like it says on the window “You too will wonder what that brown stuff is.” I sure did! Rating: I wonder.

For lunch I tried the Honey Baked Hamster Half House for honey baked hamster ("For the cavernous appetite try our Honey Baked Hamster Hole"). You have to look out for all the hamsters running around the restaurant, but you get to choose your own free-range hamster as it runs by. I couldn’t make up my mind before running outside to blow breakfast. It must be an acquired taste. Rating: Eeewwww! Take Ralph and Huey to the porcelain bus!

After a recovery period I went next door to buy some fudge from Myassa Fudgepackers #2 Backdoor Outlet to settle my stomach. Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate! What can’t chocolate fudge cure? Rating: I’M NEVER LEAVING!

Well, actually I did. They forced me out at closing time. Just in time for dinner! It’s a short walk to the Newly Renovated Santorum Ballroom’s A Taste of Myassa. Everything is a short walk to anywhere in Myassa. As you walk in the door to A Taste of Myassa, the sign says “Once you’ve tried A Taste of Myassa, you’ll never get the taste out of your mouth.” They have Myassa Buttox Butt Roast, Baked Bumbum (the Wild Hare in Myassa), deep fried Tail of Bootay (Myassa Terrible Tiger Gator), Broiled Tenderloin of Gerbil, and Poached Bootay Eggs. Really. Poached. They’re stolen from the nests. I didn’t have much money left from Fudgepackers, so I just got h'ordeuvres: Tender southern fried Nuggets of Gluteus of Myassa’s Bear on a Stick. They use the bear’s smaller bones for the sticks. It's called Bone-in a Bear Butt. Rating: Next time I’m bringing daddy’s Merkin Excess credit card!

I almost forgot. There’s also entertainment: juggling baristas, the Four Cups. Their show begins at 8:00 pm every night. If you get there around 8:00, be sure to bring your ponchos and galoshes. Try to leave before the floor is too flooded. It always clears the restaurant by closing time, 9:00. Rating: Juggling full coffee mugs is surprisingly entertaining! For a little while.

I didn’t get to all of Myassa’s fine dining establishments, like Myassa Liquors Bar and Grill, Four Q’s pool hall, and the YMCA’s room service, Eating At The Y. (If you try the Y, I hear you should take a friend.) There’s also the No Foods Market tepid buffet, Myassa Underwater Ger-B-Q, What-A-Interroburger, and confectioners My-Candy-Assa. If any of these restaurants want a review, I'm always up for free food!

I was out of money, soaked in coffee, still hungry, and everything in Myassa was closed, so I went home and made ramen and played with my kitty. Rating: There’s no place like home with a kitten!

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If you want to read more of my lifestyle reviews, go here: https://fineartamerica.com/profiles/wacks-museum.html?tab=artworkgalleries&artworkgalleryid=536130

Uploaded

March 31st, 2018

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