International House Haunters Photograph by Jim Williams

International House Haunters

by Jim Williams

Title

International House Haunters

Artist

Jim Williams

Medium

Photograph - Found Photo And Short Story

Description

HGTV PRESENTS
INTERNATIONAL HOUSE HAUNTERS

Welcome to Haunt and Ghost TV's International House Haunters, the show that matches up ghosts and poltergeists with new haunting grounds.

Most haunted buildings are old, musty boring places or abandoned buildings with very few chances to meet up with humans to spook. Older ghosts are deeply attached to their ancestral surroundings, no matter how dismal, but younger ghosts, mostly late teens to thirty somethings and newly dead, often moved during life and don't feel attached to an ancestral dwelling. These restless spirits are looking for new, interesting, well-equipped, move in ready haunts and entertaining people to spook. They do not think that just being dead should ruin their lives and fun, and they want to see the world.

Today's couple, Dr. Peony Ashton Smith and Dr. Lacey Smith Ashton, university professors of history and science, were on their honeymoon. Death intervened driving to Las Vegas when their rented Corvette left the road, flipped and rolled for half a mile, finally bursting into flames. When they emerged dis-corporate, they found another ghost waiting for them, former international Realtor, Donald Queen, who had become a ghostly guide on HGTV, leading spooks around the world looking for new places to be dead.

They received a 50 item check list to select what characteristics they wanted in their new first haunt. After looking over the list, they mixed their choices with both the traditional: residences with multiple stories, creaky wooden floors, doors, stairs, and, of course, cats; and in keeping with their academic careers: museums, libraries, and universities. Other choices like vehicles, hotels, and motels showed a continuing desire to travel. Donald took their list and planned their itinerary.

Haunt number 1 was the Colombo, Sri Lanka, home of author, scientist, and visionary Arthur C. Clarke (1917-2008). Unexpectedly, they were cordially met by the great man's ghost. It was shocking to discover that Arthur, although a hard scientist who didn't believe in religion or spiritualism, would return as a ghost. But he was open minded and had no fear of stepping away from the restrictions of science, performing research that only a truly respected, credentialed, and unassailable scientist could perform. He spent decades researching the supernatural and paranormal and one of his shocking conclusions was that there is an 80% likelihood that ghosts actually exist. He had looked forward to finding out whether it was true or not and was delighted to find himself an ethereal spirit.

Because Arthur was still home, Donald, Peony, and Lacey felt awkward at intruding, but Arthur said to think nothing of it, he was always up for company. He showed them around his library, workroom, astronomy deck, and the reception room where his empty shell had lain in state before burial in Colombo. There he introduced them to the new inhabitants, who had no idea they were being introduced. Donald apologized for showing up unexpectedly and explained that the home was listed as available for haunting. Arthur said that he would welcome two more highly educated ghosts to talk to and share knowledge with. He offered to be their ectoplasmic tutor if they liked and could come and go as they wished. Peony and Lacey were flattered and said they would certainly take that into account as they decided. It was a huge plus because both had been great admirers.

Haunt number two: Because they had both wanted cats in the house, the next house was the Key West residence of Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961). It had been converted into a museum, but Ernest was not home to welcome them so they just followed the museum's live guides around. It had a world class library, but it lacked the science that Arthur's home contained. The climate was beautiful year round and was home to some of the most eccentric people in the US, a serious plus. And the CATS! Key West has a large population of cats, most of whom belong to no particular home. Hemingway had been given a polydactyl (six-toed) cat which over the years produced hundreds of polydactyl descendants, about 50 of which live at the museum. But everywhere the three went, every cat within sight stared at them and it unsettled them to know that everyone could figure out they were present just by watching the cats. But they liked the reactions that the living showed trying to figure out what the cats were so fascinated by.

Haunt number three: Donald decided to show them an unexpected residence. It probably had every feature, imaginable or not. They materialized in a breathtaking palatial home with what seemed to be 100 rooms. There were at least five ballrooms. There were candles everywhere! Every public room had crystal chandeliers and pictures and wall hangings, perfect for the ghost treatment. Every bedroom held huge round or four poster beds and its own en suite bathroom. Each bathroom could easily hold ten people, and so could the bathtubs and showers. There were even hidden hallways and secret rooms to explore and haunt! The library might rival the Library of Congress. Everything was luxurious in every room. They met what seemed like dozens of other ghosts and poltergeists, mostly beautiful nude women. (Note: All ghosts are nude. Clothes can't be ghosts. Get used to it now so you won't be shocked when you wake up dead and naked.)

There was a tennis/basketball/volleyball court and a stable of thoroughbreds. A 50 car garage and every one held the biggest, fastest, most famous and expensive automobiles and boats ever created! And the pool: it was huge and had a nice little grotto that could make a wonderful haunt. Peony and Lacey were so dazzled that they hadn't thought to ask Donald where they were. They didn't need to when two 20 something blondes and Hugh Hefner (1926-?) walked by them. The Playboy Mansion West! They were breathless. (Obviously.)

One of the poltergeists they met earlier, Reggie, floated up and asked how they liked the mansion and grounds. Reggie told them that they would be great additions to Hugh's haunting beauties and asked if they had shown in any photographs yet. (Technically, ghosts cannot be photographed unless they allow the camera to catch them. All ghost shots aren't accidental, they are setups by the ghosts.) They hadn't. Reggie asked if they had heard of Playghost Magazine. Seems he had been a Playboy model photographer in life and asked if they would pose for him in death. He guaranteed them the centerfold because they were new. He had photographed all the other Playboy haunts until they bored the readers, who were also Playboy ghosts. They were ready for some hot new ectoplasm. They had photographed themselves nude when they were alive, mostly sexting each other, so why not dead? Their centerfold photo is shown, above.

Now the time to decide had come. Arthur C. Clarke offered to tutor them. Hemingway offered plenty of cats. Playboy Mansion offered luxury and plenty of company. Peony and Lacey tried to eliminate one of them but neither could choose one. Clarke, Hemingway, Hefner. Sri Lanka, Key West, Hollywood. They thought about what Arthur had said about being free to come and go and that made the decision for them. They decided to alternate between the three with vacation hauntings on the side. Their honeymoon was back on. Forever.
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